I am back! I am trying to get better about this whole blogging thing. And as I kick off a summer of adventure in what continues to be my version of a "gap year", I wanted to be upfront about myself. Both to those new to my blog, and my life, but also to anyone else, friends and family included.
It took me months to be able to call myself a disabled veteran. I didn't even want to call myself a veteran, let alone one with a disability. The word still makes me cringe. I continually ask myself why it bothers me, and I think the "why" has actually found me my future career.
In 2012 my back gave out. Usually it takes a few chiropractic appointments and some care, and it's back in action. This time was very different. Leading up to it, the pain was worse, the tightness was more stubborn and I found relief in nothing. The chiropractor, while amazing, was at a loss. I wasn't progressing, and each time she saw me I was back to square one.
Months of doctors appointments followed. I had MRI's, X-Rays, even an ultrasound on a mass on my lower back. I had steroid injections. I tried every prescription pain med they would give me. I put on significant weight. I was depressed. I started distancing myself from my friends and my new-found community. I couldn't understand where I was, and I didn't feel like burdening others with it. How could anybody else understand when I couldn't even grasp it?
My saving grace came in two forms.
I adopted a dog named Charlie Brown. He came to me out of necessity. I woke up in the middle of the night, and to my surprise, I could not sit up. This was problematic, as I wake to go to the bathroom many times throughout the night. I started to panic. I reached for my phone but realized I had deadbolted the door, nobody could help me. I started to cry. I was 28 years old and couldn't get myself out of bed.
My chiropractor and I discussed the possibility of a mobility dog. I was so embarrassed. I didn't think I was in need of that level of help. I doubted my own condition. I worried how I would look, applying to get a service animal. But after extensive research, I realized it wasn't so bad. I wasn't getting a seeing eye dog. I was just getting a dog to help with rare situations like the one I had experienced. I still didn't tell anyone why I was getting a dog. In fact, to this day, very few people know. It has taken me years to be able to admit to the level I was at.
So I found Charlie Brown. Not only was he a problem child from the start, he was also my saving grace. His training required me to be up and about, and constantly working with him. His energy required I get off the couch and get outside. Idleness was my kryptonite, and until Charlie I had not found a way to motivate myself to move. I walked him multiple times a day, began hiking again, and started to see some light. I was able to kick the medications and their nasty side effects. I was able to sleep at night, knowing I was not alone and would have assistance if I needed it. I only had one other instance of not being able to get out of bed, but Charlie Brown helped me in numerous other ways I never would have expected.
The second savior was Keri. She literally picked me up off the ground. She was with me when my back gave out, she was my Crossfit coach at the time. She sat right down on the floor with me when I collapsed, and talked with me while I cried. In the following years she went from my coach to my friend. She aspired to help people move better, and therefor helped me research ways to help myself.
In the span of 3 years I had seen over 15 doctors, sat through over 10 x-rays 3 MRI's, 6 Steroid Injections and multiple diagnosis. I lost my job as an Aircrewman in the Navy and sat a desk job for 2 years before they realized I wasn't getting better. I met a new Orthopedic Surgeon at the 2 year mark who was shocked reading through my record. He asked me if anyone had talked to me about my scoliosis. How did I not know I had scoliosis?! It turns out my back was so messed up, inflamed, out of alignment or whatever, that I couldn't give the doctors a place to start. It is still no excuse for missing something so obvious though.
In the end we figured out I had a 25+/- degree curve in my lower spine. My hips had been out of alignment for years, but nobody seemed to put the two together. In addition, I had had reconstructive foot surgery and had then walked with one good and one bad foot for 5 years. On top of that, I had taken up running and CrossFit. I was essentially making everything worse, but at the guidance of doctors who thought I was doing everything right. In the 2 years between MRI's I had considerable arthritis build-up, and obvious sacroiliitis. To top it all off, I had been moved from flying (sitting for long hours in the plane) to a desk job (sitting longer hours at a desk) which was only making my condition worse.
As ridiculous as it was to go through all of this, that 3rd year was all about healing. My new doctor showed me that I was going to be living with this condition for the rest of my life, but that there were ways to manage it. I had to stop CrossFit, give up running, and change my lifestyle. I took up hot yoga and rock climbing and paddleboarding. All activities that are impact-free and helped me build up the surrounding muscles. I felt my life was finally turning around.
Work, however, was the opposite. Being an Aircrewman I dealt with a lot of judgement about being medically disqualified to fly. People threatened my pay, and more than once threatened to administratively separate me from the Navy. I was told I was malingering, despite my Outstanding Eval and ongoing dedication to my job. I was pressured to qualify, so I talked to my doctor and weaned off pain meds long enough to fly. At the time I had significant nerve impingement and was in excruciating pain, add on a 14lb weigh vest and the pressure of flying and I was a mess. I was forced into a board with my commanding officer and other superiors. They were concerned for my safety. I finally let my guard down, bawled my eyes out, and laid it all on the table. I was not fit to fly. They were understanding and allowed me to continue my duties in my shop. But outside of my direct chain of command, I was not supported.
I found out people were concerned with my active life, so much so that they went to my doctor and broke the doctor-patient confidentiality, not to mention the decency of respect. They argued I should not be allowed to be active (climb, paddle, etc) if I was unable to fly. They were so completely clouded by their own reality they could not even comprehend that being injured does not translate to a sedentary lifestyle. Movement is the only medication I could rely on. I felt betrayed, embarrassed, alone. Depression creeeped in again, and again I started regressing back into my own little world. I wasn't sure who I could trust and I was exhausted with constantly defending myself.
Early 2014 I was recommended for Medical Separation by my doctor. We agreed I would not be fit to stay in the Navy and that, at 30, it was in my best interests to start the next chapter. In December 2015 I would be honorably discharged.
Why am I telling you all of this?
Well, first, I haven't really ever told the whole story to anyone who didn't live through it with me, and there are few. Second, I am learning the importance of transparency, you never know who needs to hear they are not alone. I once received an email from a woman doing her doctorate study, and her project was to reach out to people with chronic pain, daily, and ask them how they were feeling. That was like a ray of sunshine after years of darkness. At the time I was still in denial, and still very much believed I was crazy and unworthy of anyone's attention on the matter. This one woman's email changed my path.
You see, not every disability is obvious at first glance. We are, at least vaguely, familiar with disabilities. Wheelchairs, canes, service dogs, tics, and other visible cues. You would never doubt someone with visible symptoms such as those as having a disability. But those who's condition is not visible deal with doubt often. It's enough to doubt oneself, but to be consistently ridiculed and questioned by others, especially people who are supposed to support you, is down-right exhausting.
So, 3 years later, I am writing this. I want people who know me to know my story. I am sorry if this is long-overdue to those who feel they should have been privy to this information sooner. Or those who may feel offended that I didn't reach out or open up sooner. I am sorry to anyone who is going through something similar and have hit the same roadblocks.
So, who am I? I am still working on being able to call myself a disabled vet. I am still working on being honest about my condition. I am still a work in progress. Some days, I cant bear to get out of bed aside from the fact that too much sleep causes pain. I often am tempted to cancel plans due to back pain. Sometimes I regress back into inactivity and snowball back into a dark place. Most of the time, however, I am just trying to be active and keep smiling.
I want to provide others with a means to escape the spiral. I want other people to see how powerful the outdoors are in healing. I want people to realize that there is no shame in admitting ones problems, even if I am still learning to be honest about my own. I want to save even just one person from the struggle I found myself in. Simply, I want to reach out and help people. I am sick of people saying "it could always be worse." Because when you are at your worst, there is nothing worse to you. I recently heard some amazing words from a speaker at school. She said "There is no harder, there is just hard." Holy shit, right?
So here you go. This is where I am today. Still figuring out this big ol world.
I am to be better about writing my story, and my adventures. I am not here to provide hard-core beta on climbing, or trekking, or traveling. I am just here to share my story in hopes that it reaches someone who finds my words just what they needed to hear.
And if you made it through this novel I just spit out, thank you. Now go give someone a hug. They probably need it :)
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